could it be worse?

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse."

"When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"

Penned by Coldplay these depressing words seem to speak to me. Intense and emotional by nature, I find meaning in life through relationships. Money, prestige, power, career, opportunity--everything the world deems as important seems to pale in comparison with an intimate attachment to another person. In my mind's eye, nothing is more important than a friend or a family member, another human being. Loyalty, even before self-preservation.

But life has taught me that few people share this. The natural instinct to take the easy road or to bail when things are tough usually overpowers any inclination to make a continued effort--to make a sacrifice. Holding others to this same standard could be thought of as impractical or a little rigid. Many make that argument. But for me, when push comes to shove, when it is time to hit the pavement, I will not deviate. A promise is a promise and nothing will cause me to go back on my word. I do not understand the other option.

And so these words caught hold of me. Losing those I love is one of the greatest challenges that I will ever face in this lifetime. It is crippling. But I cannot think of a greater "hell on earth" than having someone you love choose to leave, choose to walk away, choose to break promise upon promise. Loving someone--not necessarily romantically (but those relationships would absolutely qualify)--and having them throw it back in your face is devastating. Love completely wasted. History, experiences, and feelings disregarded. Disposed, just like that. Selective selfishness over sacrifice. I ask you, could anything be worse? My answer? NO.

Fix You
http://youtube.com/watch?v=r259kFx3l7g

so long summer

Finally, the city has blessed us with Fall. I cannot even begin to explain the personal gratification I feel from saying goodbye to hot and humid in exchange for cool and crisp. But before our three weeks of Fall disappear, I thought it only appropriate to recap the summer...well, at least part of it.

Jared Dahl--an icon in New York City for the last four years left us this summer to move onto "greener pastures" in Southern California. Jared really deserves his own blog of a tribute, but we will settle for a portion of one. Jared was an integral part of the whole "system" out here. Making "statements" left and right, preventing the ward from collapsing upon itself, and philosophizing about life in all its complexities were some of his greatest talents. Additionally, Jared was and is a true friend to all who knew him. Serving and sacrificing behind the scenes, Jared enriched the lives of those around him. Needless to say, we missed him when he left and we are still missing him even now. (Jared is the one in the 2nd row in the middle.) And as this sounds similar to that of a eulogy, let me just clarify that he is alive and well...last time I heard from him at least.

Sometimes, I just love my job!

One of the perks about non-profits is that they are usually generous with their vacation days. As has been tradition since I moved here, I go home every July for a good chunk of time. While there, I went to a luau that my brother and sister performed at. Oh, how I miss the Polynesian culture. New York city is basically devoid of all things Polynesian. Why am I here again?

Here are more pictures of the visit home. I love my family. (1) Me and Kat (2) James taking after my dad and practicing the fire knife dance. He's pretty good. (3) Me and mom at dinner (4) Grandma and me in Vernal (5/6) My cousin Greg's family....part of them anyway (7) a picture of my Grandpa when he was a little boy.

Sarah Swensen--Just as the beginning of summer started with an icon leaving, so will the summer end. Sarah Swensen, another vital organ to the city's makeup will be leaving us on Monday for adventures unmeasured. Starting in Senegal then moving onto Mali, Sarah will be spending the remainder of the year in Africa. A love of adventure and a desire for a change prompted the overseas move. As with many, she will begin her new chapter of life in Northern California. Sarah is one of the kindest, most generous people I have ever met. She is one of the reasons I love this city as much as I do. I will sorely miss her laugh, her stories, her laughing at her own stories, her willingness to just hang out or experience a new adventure, her compassion, and simply her zest for life. She has become one of my dearest friends and I am truly sad to see her leave. We maximized the summer by walking the Brooklyn Bridge, watching the US Open at Madison Square Park, going to movies, having dinner, and just spending time together. I will miss my Malia and Sarah time desperately. Love you lots!

As indicated earlier in my blog, my family experienced a great tragedy. My cousin, his wife, and his youngest daughter were killed in a car accident leaving their 8-year-old daughter behind. I was fortunate enough to be able to fly home to be with the family. It's all still very surreal and our family is obviously left with a huge void. We are lucky, however, to have the knowledge that we do have of eternal families. But still, we miss them very much.

A little New York lovin'...

U.S. Open--Miss Livi first introduced me to the possibility of the US Open here in the city. I don't know why this is the first time that I have done this my entire four years of living here. It was so awesome. My dear friend Livi is a hoot and a holler and makes everything, and I mean everything, fun. We saw Serena Williams and Mr. Roger Federer (dreamy!) and even John McEnroe--someone I remember watching with my dad when I was little. As you can see, he is smiling for my picture. Isn't that nice? Needless to say, I had a blast and love tennis even more than I did before.

So that was my summer in all its glory. Here's to Fall!

1/2 + 1/2 = 1

The other day a kid came into my office to ask me for help with his homework. “Sure!” I said enthusiastically as he sauntered over to my desk. He put his backpack down and pulled out his math workbook. He opened it and there it was staring back at me—“Adding and Subtracting Fractions”. I looked over the worksheet, reading the instructions and searching frantically for a sample problem. But alas, there wasn’t any. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember how to do this simple math problem. I remember something about having to find the lowest common denominator, but even then, I couldn’t remember how to do it! Remembering that tutors don’t necessarily have to know the subject matter, I pulled out some “tutoring strategies” that I teach my mentors. I asked, “So, tell me about this problem. What are you supposed to do?” “I don’t know,” he responded. “Ok, well, what do you remember your teacher telling you about these kinds of problems? Do you remember anything that she wrote on the board?” “Nope.” Feeling desperate now, I asked, “Well, what do YOU think you are supposed to do?” “I don’t know, that’s why I came to you,” was his innocent reply.

It was at that point that I was grateful I was in front of a computer. We looked up “Adding and Subtracting Fractions” and figured out how to do the problems together and he went on his way. But there I was, a working professional with a Master’s degree, and I couldn’t do simple 6th grade math. I was mortified. Later that week I went to the store to buy a 6th grade math workbook. I’m proud to say that I can knock those babies off without much thought now.

Just in case any of you would like a little practice, here are two helpful websites:

Fact Monster
Scholastic

a tribute

Nicholas, Ruth and Audrey Weaver

Nicholas, Ruth and Audrey Weaver Nicholas, Ruth and Audrey Weaver died August 18, 2007 due to injuries sustained in an automobile accident. NICHOLAS KEDRIC WEAVER was born September 1978 in Vernal, Utah to Howard Burton Weaver and Susan Weaver, the third of five children. He graduated from Uintah High School in Vernal, Utah in 1997 and moved to Logan, Utah where he married the love of his life, Ruth Campbell, June 23, 1998. They were sealed for time and eternity in the Logan Temple July 10, 1999. His favorite pastime was riding horses with his daughters; Nick was a family oriented person. A dedicated member of the LDS Church, Nick assumed many responsibilities including serving in the Elder's Quorum Presidency, as a Sunday School teacher, and working in the Primary nursery with Ruth. Nick worked at AppLabs, excelling in the field of information technology. He loved to help out family and friends with their computers or anything else that they needed. He was preceded in death by his father, Howard Weaver, stepfather, Ellis James LeFevre, two grandfathers, Kedric Caldwell and Clifford Weaver and two uncles, Kimo Poai and Bruce Petik. He is survived by his mother Susan LeFevre, Evanston, Wyoming; two brothers, Chris (Heather) Weaver, Ft. Rucker, Alabama; Spencer (Amy) Weaver, Vernal, Utah; two sisters, Angela Consolo and Priscilla (Brandon) Rettberg, Evanston, Wyoming; two grandmothers, Freda Caldwell, Vernal, Utah; and Doris Weaver, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania; seven cousins, 20 nieces and nephews, three aunts and one uncle. RUTH CAMPBELL WEAVER, beloved mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend, was born in June 1977 to Stan and Diana Campbell, the eighth of twelve children. Ruth grew up in Juniper, a small farming community in Southern Idaho, where she graduated from Raft River High School. At the age of 21, she met and married the love of her life, Nick. As a wife, Ruth was devoted completely to Nick and building an eternal life with him. In August 1999, they were blessed with the birth of Diana Jo, followed by the birth of Audrey Esther in 2004. Ruth was a very loving and adventurous mother. She lived life to the fullest and allowed her girls to do the same. She taught by living every moment and loving everyone, blessing all around her with her humor and generous spirit. People were drawn to her because of her sensitivity and sincere heart. Her family appreciated her ability to unify and make peace, yet she met life head on with grit and determination. Wherever Ruth lived, she touched hearts and offered willing service. Ruth has been an active member of the LDS church and has served in many capacities. Her knowledge and testimony of her purpose on earth was evident in all she did. AUDREY ESTHER WEAVER was born October 2004 in Boise, ID. Her little life was full of fun loving laughs and smiles a true fireball and attitude to rule the roost. She blessed our lives and the lives of everyone around her by just being in the room. She was a true cutie, very intelligent, very sweet and friendly. She would always approach others without hesitation. She loved her horses, her boots, baby dolls, and pink things. Audrey admired and loved her best friend, D.J. Audrey felt like she could do everything D.J. did despite the five year age difference between them. When it came to her Daddy, he was her "Nicky Noodle" and the love of her life. Audrey and her mom were inseparable in life and are together today. This sweet doll has touched our lives and changed us for the better. We'll miss you sweetheart. They are survived by their daughter and sister, Diana Jo, Nick's mother, Susan LeFevre, Ruth's parents, Stan and Diana Campbell, her grandmother, Rosalie Campbell, and a very large, loving, immediate and extended family. A viewing in their honor will be held Thursday, August 23, 2007 from 6-8 p.m. at Rogers and Taylor Funeral Home, 111 North 100 East, Tremonton, UT. The funeral will be held Friday, August 24, 2007 starting at noon at the Cedar Fort Chapel in Cedar Fort, UT located on Highway 73. The funeral will be preceded by a viewing from 10-11:30 a.m. Interment at Cedar Fort Cemetery. The families would like to thank the emergency responders, the Utah Highway Patrol, the staffs at Bear River Valley Hospital and Primary Children's Hospital, and especially the White Hills Ward along with all those from the community who have helped and shown an outpouring of concern. On-line condolences may be expressed at www.rogersandtaylor.com Published in the Deseret News on 8/22/2007.

a moment changes everything

Death reared its ugly head and has visited my family once again today. My cousin Nick, his wife Ruth, and his daughter Audrey were killed in a car accident just a few hours ago. Their 8-year old daughter, was flown to Primary Children's Hospital. Her condition, critical. In one single moment, an entire family lost their lives and another's hangs in the balance. Those of us left behind, especially parents and siblings are left with the bitterly painful questions of "Why? How? For what purpose?" Still in shock, I keep wanting to call the hospital to see if they had made a mistake, to see if they are really sure. Maybe they made a mistake and it wasn't really them? I recognize the same thought process emerge as when my mom called about my dad, and when my sister called me about my Grandpa. It really doesn't sink in at first. Suddenly, my stomach begins to churn and my gag reflex kicks into gear. I hurry to the bathroom and throw up. Even now, I'm still fighting the urge to vomit. Adrenaline is still coursing through my veins and my actions and thoughts seem to stall on the simplest of tasks.

Death is a complex life event. The loss really doesn't sink in those first few moments, or days, or even weeks afterwards. Life goes on all around you, but you are stuck in time with a life that has changed dramatically--a life that will never be the same. You are missing a part of your earthly family. Never again, in this life, will you see them. They won't be a part of any family activity or important event. Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries will forever be bitter sweet.

And then there is DJ, their oldest little girl, the sole survivor of a terrible, devastating accident. Her entire world was shattered today. She is, even now, fighting for her life. I don't know what the outcome will be. I don't know what I think. I am having a hard time even knowing what to feel. Life is so fragile. Time is so fleeting. A moment can change everything.