bbff = null & void

Sometimes it’s strange how life happens, how things change. You make decisions, you go places, you meet new people, and you learn new things. And naturally, the course of your life changes based on those decisions and those people you meet. That’s normal. But I think for the most part, as adulthood sets in, you have a better sense of what is permanent and what is not. Or at least you have a sense of what you would like to be enduring. What’s hard, I think, is when those hopes and plans for permanency take the opposite route and you are left standing without the security of that image in your head or that reality in your life.

A few nights ago I had dinner with someone* with whom I had lost contact with for a few years. At that particular breaking point, things were pretty bleak for me. I had been going through one of the darker periods of my life and this person had been my saving grace—always there, always supportive, always my friend. But as with many things, life happened and things changed. The friendship ended. No longer was this individual there for me. I was now standing alone.

The story of that difficult time isn’t my focus so I’ll spare those details. I don’t really know what I want to say here or even how to say it. It’s more of a need to express that the resurfacing of those strong emotions that I had once labored to bury is more difficult than I thought it would be. For years I have worked to move past this experience, to move past my desire for this particular friendship. Generally speaking, I have done extremely well. I have moved on. But I guess I’m just the kind of person that doesn’t ever completely forget the good times. I don’t forget that I really cared or loved this person as a dear friend. And I guess my heart hasn’t really forgotten that it still has a hole—though much smaller than it has been in the past.

The dinner was good. Catching up was nice. But I left feeling sad. I left missing those good times and I left missing my old friend. I don’t know what will happen in the future. But my feeling is that as soon as one of us moves away, that will be the end. I know that people come and go in our lives. I know that certain people are placed in our lives at different points for different reasons. And I know that not many things last forever. But the possibility of this finality, the death of that once-upon-a-time-forever-friends hope brings about a sadness for which I have not prepared.

*disclaimer--despite what has happened, I need to make it very, very clear that I still admire this amazing person--stellar individual, fantastic friend, someone I hope to be like one day.