bbff = null & void

Sometimes it’s strange how life happens, how things change. You make decisions, you go places, you meet new people, and you learn new things. And naturally, the course of your life changes based on those decisions and those people you meet. That’s normal. But I think for the most part, as adulthood sets in, you have a better sense of what is permanent and what is not. Or at least you have a sense of what you would like to be enduring. What’s hard, I think, is when those hopes and plans for permanency take the opposite route and you are left standing without the security of that image in your head or that reality in your life.

A few nights ago I had dinner with someone* with whom I had lost contact with for a few years. At that particular breaking point, things were pretty bleak for me. I had been going through one of the darker periods of my life and this person had been my saving grace—always there, always supportive, always my friend. But as with many things, life happened and things changed. The friendship ended. No longer was this individual there for me. I was now standing alone.

The story of that difficult time isn’t my focus so I’ll spare those details. I don’t really know what I want to say here or even how to say it. It’s more of a need to express that the resurfacing of those strong emotions that I had once labored to bury is more difficult than I thought it would be. For years I have worked to move past this experience, to move past my desire for this particular friendship. Generally speaking, I have done extremely well. I have moved on. But I guess I’m just the kind of person that doesn’t ever completely forget the good times. I don’t forget that I really cared or loved this person as a dear friend. And I guess my heart hasn’t really forgotten that it still has a hole—though much smaller than it has been in the past.

The dinner was good. Catching up was nice. But I left feeling sad. I left missing those good times and I left missing my old friend. I don’t know what will happen in the future. But my feeling is that as soon as one of us moves away, that will be the end. I know that people come and go in our lives. I know that certain people are placed in our lives at different points for different reasons. And I know that not many things last forever. But the possibility of this finality, the death of that once-upon-a-time-forever-friends hope brings about a sadness for which I have not prepared.

*disclaimer--despite what has happened, I need to make it very, very clear that I still admire this amazing person--stellar individual, fantastic friend, someone I hope to be like one day.

if you see something, say something...

The other day I was on the train riding home from work. I usually stand but that night I was dead tired and so I made my way to a seat in the corner. It was then that I noticed an extremely small laptop bag propped up against the wall. Had no one else noticed this? I pointed to the laptop and asked the gentleman next to me if it was his. He said no. I now had the attention of the people sitting across from me. It wasn’t theirs either and they hadn’t seen to whom it belonged. We all had a mini discussion about what to do with the bag and who would take ultimate responsibility for it. One man said if he took it, he probably wouldn’t turn it in. (Who says that?) Another man didn’t have the time. One woman ignored us. Finally my seat neighbor said that he was getting off in two stops and that he would turn it into the station agent. He looked trustworthy. However, as soon as that decision was made, it was at this moment that the oh-so effective MTA ads flooded my mind. “If you see something, say something.”

What if this laptop wasn’t just forgotten? I mean, really, who forgets their laptop?? What if it was planted? What if it was an explosive device or detonator? (Too much TV, perhaps?) Naturally, the train slowed to a snail’s pace and eventually stopped in between stations. We were being held momentarily and were then thanked for our patience. My mind turned back to the mysterious case and I wondered if death by an explosion would be painful and drawn out or quick and to the point. “Is anyone else freaking out yet,” I thought to myself. I started to get really impatient as we sat and sat for what was probably only a minute, at best. Finally the train started to move and I wanted to jump up and down with glee. The next two stops seemed like an eternity but arrived before I had nervous breakdown.
When the man stepped off the train with the laptop in hand, I wasn’t the only one to breathe an audible a sigh of relief.

25 Things

So there has been this craze going around in the world of Facebook--"25 Things". You're supposed to come up with 25 random facts about yourself. You are then supposed to share it with 25 other people and the process continues as they come up with their own 25 things and then invite 25 more people to share. There has actually been some funny stuff going around about this particular "note" craze, but I jumped on the bandwagon still the same.

Anyway, it took me nearly 10 years to come up with 25 random facts about myself. And because I'm not a wasteful person, I didn't want to throw away all of that time & energy for just a Facebook entry. So in addition to my response to only the people that sent their random facts to me, I am posting it here for my future generations...Also, I didn't want my little blog to feel neglected. So here it goes:

1. I am huge fan of superhero/comic book movies. My brother (James) and I were close in age growing up so I learned from him. Batman, Superman, X-men, Transformers, etc. love them all. And if I could choose a superpower, I would choose Jean Gray’s ability to move/control things with her mind. How awesome would that be?

2. I LOVE to cook. I love cooking shows. I could watch them all day. I love cookbooks & magazines & recipes online. I also love kitchen gadgets & kitchen stores. I nearly salivate when I enter one (a kitchen store/department). I hope that one day when I grow up I will have a real kitchen…not a hallway kitchen.

3. I secretly want to sing my little heart out on stage like Whitney Houston back in the day when she was still fabulous and had it together (sad times now). She had an amazing vocal range, intense power behind her voice & a passion that was inspiring. Her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner still brings me to tears.

4. Making me laugh is the quickest way to my heart and the quickest way to put me at ease.

5. I LOVE celebrating birthdays and holidays—one problem though…it’s sometimes hard to not hold others to that same standard.

6. I have a strong belief in God. I believe that he is my Father and that I am his daughter. I believe that He loves me, is aware of me, and has a plan for me.

7. I am a Scorpio and as such am fiercely loyal. If you are my friend, I will defend you with my dying breathe, but if you violate my trust, you may never get it back. I also seem to hit pretty closely to other major Scorpio traits.

8. Sometimes I go to Barnes & Noble to just read children's books.

9. Massages and hot tubs are my favorite. If I had the cash flow, I would get a massage every week & would own my own hot tub.

10. I’m a sucker for a man who can play a musical instrument…especially the guitar…and if he’s in a band? oh. my….

11. The Office is one of the most brilliant shows ever created.

12. I wanted to come up with a list of my top 5 celebrity crushes but it is really hard to narrow it down to only 5. I came up with about 30, but I will only list a few here. They are definitely near the top: Christian Bale, John Krasinski, Johnny depp, Channing Tatum, & Bobby Flay. I know, they are all very different & none of them fit my typical dark hair, blue eyes type. Oh well. I love men.

13. I am a fraidy cat beyond all fraidy cats—which isn’t good when you live alone and in the hood. I mean, LOST even scares me.

14. I’ve always had a thing for boy bands. It started with New Kids & ended with NSYNC and BSB. I got in a yearlong fight with my cousin over New Kids’ coolness back in the day. I cried as Jordan Knight’s (NKOTB) white button-down shirt blew in the breeze at the Marriot Center. Brian Littrel (BSB) waved at me at a concert on my birthday and I once saw NSYNC in SLC and drove to Denver a day and a half later to see them again. JC Chasez & Justin Timberlake still have about the sexiest voices I have ever heard.

15. I’m a planner. I am getting better about spontaneity but if I don’t plan, I don’t get to see you.

16. Music speaks to me in a way that most other things can’t.

17. Fries & milkshakes=my biggest food weakness. I’m always up for these tasty treats during a diner excursion.

18. When I was little I would have epic Barbie adventures with my neighbor friend, Laura. At times they would last for days on end and would involve more props than your typical Broadway play and more twists in the plot than a soap opera.

19. I often fantasize about winning the New York lotto. The first two things I would do is pay off my student loans and remodel my mom's house. I would also help out my family, donate to some of my favorite causes, TRAVEL, and bank the rest. Oh, and I would probably move out of my crap-hole apartment & go to culinary school.

20. I don't know how to take naps.

21. I love my family so much it often makes me cry. I also miss them desperately.

22. I am a HOPELESS romantic--chivalry, thoughtfulness, and romance make my heart go pitter-pat. As such, I am OBVIOUSLY a fan of Mr. Darcy, Mr. Knightley, and Edward Cullen :)

23. I asked for a typewriter when I was 7 or 8. I have loved typing ever since. I can still, on occasion, be found playing typing games in my free time.

24. I love the smell of cologne on a man...or soap….mmmm and rain.

25. When I leave New York, whenever that is, I will sob like a baby.

question....

Is it wrong that I kind of have a love affair with Tylenol PM? :)

neighborHOOD update

So I was walking home from the train stop tonight. I worked late (it was about 9:30) and it was freezing so there weren’t too many people out. I was standing on the corner (across from my building) and was waiting for the light to change when suddenly four police cars converged on the corner at the same time. Two more parked in the middle of the street. Then three other patrol cars from a different direction joined them within about 10 seconds. (That’s a total of 9 police cars, folks!) At this point I started to worry just a bit. I was completely exposed and couldn’t, for the life of me, see any sort of threat that I should be avoiding. And to top it all off, the light hadn’t changed so I couldn’t walk. I was stuck on the corner awaiting either the walking-man signal or my fated doom.

The three cars nearest to me emptied at this point. They ran into Dunkin Donuts. The car to the left of me emptied and ran down the street behind me. And another pair of officers ran into the little grocery store opposite of the coffee shop. The officers in the car facing me (head on) didn’t move and I can’t really recall what the other cars were doing. I was too busy searching the sidewalk for some lunatic wielding a gun or something. I kept waiting for at least one of the officers to offer some sort of reassurance or instructions to get out of the way, but nothing came. It was frightening and funny at the same time. I mean, honestly, when does this happen?

Then, just as quickly as the cars had come, they started to disperse. At this point the light changed and the anxiety I was feeling overpowered my curiosity—and so I walked. I don’t really know what happened but don’t ever say that the NYPD doesn’t respond quickly, because they do. Just like the time my building was on fire….